The Downfall of our Dear Voldiepoo
by Pirate Captain Kimi the Great
Summary: What if three insane girls grew up to be death eaters....*Evil laugh* based on the 50 ways to Annoy Voldemort... CH 2 UP!
1. The begining of the end

What if Kimi Vanderbilt and Becky Quiddle Grew up to be Death Eaters (aka, the downfall of Voldie) By: Pirate Captain Kimi the Great  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter or any of the characters... just Kimi cause she's mine, Deshi owns Becky, and Monique owns Sabrina. This was based on the list "50 ways to annoy Voldemort" at Mugglenet.com  
  
One very gloomy day at Voldemort's super secret hideout, the dark lord himself was very depressed. He was on his last ropes; nearly all of his army of Death Eaters were captured, and the only three left were...well, different.  
  
He was thinking of ways to come back when suddenly, he heard them enter.  
  
"Oh, anything but them! Anything but them!" he cried. He searched frantically for somewhere to hide, and finding none, he grabbed his wand and put it up against his forehead. Death was better than these three.  
  
Just as he was about to shout Avada Kedavra, three girls walked it. They were the 25-year-old versions of Kimi Vanderbilt, Becky Quiddle, and Sabrina Wells. The three were best friends at Hogwarts and had all decided to stick together and become the same thing when they grew up so they could work together.  
  
Becky entered the room first. She was eating what looked like Sushi. Then came Sabrina who was chewing gum and popping it obnoxiously. Last came Kimi. She technically didn't walk in, she apparated. She was barely visible for a second, when she disapparated. Then she apparated again. And disapparated, and apparated, and disapparated.  
  
"ENOUGH!" Voldemort yelled.  
  
Kimi popped back into the room again. "You are no fun, Mr. Man-who-let-the- boy-live!"  
  
"Shut up, Vanderbilt!" Voldemort yelled.  
  
"Do you have any Grey Poupon?" Becky inquired her master, while munching down on her sushi.  
  
"No," he answered angrily. "Why would I have Grey Poupon? I don't even know what that is! And why would you put it on sushi?"  
  
"Oh, this isn't sushi," Becky said, cheerily. "This is Nagini."  
  
"What did you say?" Voldemort demanded. "I do hope that's some oriental food that happens to share the name of my pet snake!"  
  
"No," said Becky munching some more. "I'm pretty sure this is your pet snake. Kimi cooked it just this morning for me. Want some?" She stuck out her fork and offered him a piece.  
  
Voldemort squinched his face and turned (if possible) more green than before.  
  
"You ate my precious Nagini! How could you?"  
  
"I got hungry!" Becky said in her defense. "You know, you really aught to try this. Its delicious! And totally healthy too!"  
  
Voldemort once again raised his wand to his forehead again to kill himself when Kimi said. "There he goes again with that Scar Envy thing."  
  
"What?" he asked, lowering his wand.  
  
"Oh, you know," Kimi said. "Last time you tried that spell, Harry escaped with a scar. You're jealous. You think, 'why don't I have a cool scar?' so you try and do it yourself! That's scar envy!"  
  
"I do not have scar envy, you insolent brat! And STOP THAT!" he said, turning suddenly to Sabrina who was still popping her gum loudly.  
  
The sudden outburst did not phase her one bit. Infact, she started to blow bubbles. She blew them so fast and in rapid succession that in the end, gum splattered everywhere and made a huge mess In Voldemorts sitting room.  
  
"You- you!" he started, but Becky, who had finished off the snake, interrupted.  
  
"Don't sweat it, Voldie-poo! I can get it cleaned up an a jiffy!" She whipped out her wand.  
  
"NO!" he screamed. Last time he had left clean-up to Becky, he ended up having to rebuild half his house. "I'll do it." He whipped out his wand and cleaned it up. Then he sunk into his chair and began rubbing his temples. The girls could see a vein throbbing under his skin.  
  
"Listen Tommy-boy," Kimi said to him. His vein protruded more. "You really should stop repressing your anger. Just let it all out. I mean, I didn't buy you that stress ball for no reason."  
  
"I had that stress ball liquidated, you insolent little..."  
  
"Now, now, Voldie," Becky chastised. "Remember. Think happy thoughts! You'll keep a lot of your friends that way."  
  
"The problem is," Sabrina said. "Is that he's too evil. Most people can't handle that. I think if we enroll him in Yoga classes, it might cure him of his wicked ways!"  
  
"I've had enough!" He yelled. "I'm going to bed!" "But its only noon!" Sabrina called.  
  
"I don't care!" He stormed off into his room and slammed the door. He took a few Asprin ( a delightful muggle medicine he discovered) and curled up in his bed with his snake stuffed animal and went to sleep. 


	2. the insanity that is breakfast

Disclaimer: I own nothing except Kimi and the idea to make the 50 ways to annoy Voldemort into a story. Monique owns Sabrina and Deshi owns Becky. enjoy! I also own not the songs that are to be sung throughout the course of the insanity.  
  
Voldemort had a hard time getting to sleep that night, as three particular death eaters were having a go at "Knock-and-Run" on his door into the wee hours of the morning. As a result, none of them got to bed until around 3 in the morning, but when they did, they slept well.  
  
Voldemort was having a lovely dream. He had finally killed that Potter boy and was laughing triumphantly over his dead body, when something odd happened. He looked down and Harry and saw him moving to get up.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked. "You're supposed to be dead!"  
  
Harry opened his mouth and began, "At first I was afraid, I was petrified."  
  
"Of course you were, I'm a friggin Dark Lord for crying out loud!" Voldemortcried.  
  
"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side." Harry continued.  
  
"Boy." Voldemort said, a little nervously. " What is wrong with you?"  
  
"But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong," here, Harry got up and began to belt like a diva:  
  
"But I grew strong, and I learned how to get along!  
And so you're back! From outer space!  
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed those stupid locks; I should have made you leave your  
key,  
If I'd have known for just one second, you'd be back to bother me!"  
  
Here, Voldemort opened his eyes, and sat up violently in his bed. He was greeted by Becky Quiddle, singing her heart out as she cleaned his room.  
  
"Go on now go! Walk out the door!  
Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore!  
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?  
Didja think I'd crumble? Didja think I'd lay down and die?  
Oh no not I! I will survive!  
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive,  
I've got all my life to live; I've got all my love to give,  
I'll survive, I will survive,  
Hey, Hey!  
  
"OH GOD!" Voldemort cried. "SHUT UP!"  
  
"Master!" she sang out cheerfully. "You're up! Oh joyous day! C'mon, wake up! Sabrina made pancakes!"  
  
Becky violently grabbed his arm and dragged him into the kitchen. It was full of the wonderful aroma of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and grits being cooked, and all the happy sounds a kitchen should have. It gave Voldemort a massive headache.  
  
He slapped his forehead and ran it down his face; this was not how an evil lord's kitchen was meant to look.  
  
"My sir," Kimi said sarcastically, looking up from reading the comics in the Daily Prophet. "You look particularly menacing today."  
  
"Shut up Vanderbilt, and get me some coffee," he said, already massaging his temples. He could sense a long day coming on.  
  
"Aye, aye sir!" Kimi said, and went to fix him some coffee.  
  
"Ah, here we are, Oh Dark One!" Sabrina said cheerfully, handing him a plate of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and grits. As she leaned over to put the plate down, she sniffed.  
  
"EWWWWW!" she cried, immediately jumping back and holding her nose. "When's the last time you took a bath sir?"  
  
Voldemort made an angry face at her. He couldn't really think of a comeback, because she did have a point; he hadn't bathed in a while. He hurriedly wolfed down his breakfast, guzzled his coffee (which resulted in a severly burned mouth) and ran to the bathroom to shower.  
  
After he had gotten out and put some clothes on, he went to the mirror to check his reflection.  
  
"YOU STUPID MORONS!"  
  
"Well," Sabrina said. "Guess he found our little surprise."  
  
Shortly, a very angry Voldemort came storming into the kitchen, pointing to his face. There were magic marker Harry Potter styled glasses drawn on his face.  
  
"Aren't they wonderful?" Deshi asked. "Kimi wanted to draw a scar so you wouldn't have the scar envy thing, but I told her no."  
  
"They really look quite becoming on you, Voldie, dear," Kimi said.  
  
"I hate you!" He yelled. "Get this off of my face!"  
  
"No can do, Voldie-poo," Kimi said. "you see, its magic marker. PERMANENT magic marker. no spell yet can get them off."  
  
"So you mean to tell me that these are gonna be stuck on me, forever!?" Voldemort demanded.  
  
Becky nodded happily.  
  
Voldemort had many false starts in which various profane words were spewed out, but eventually, he said: "Why did you do that?"  
  
"Well," Sabrina said. "You see, we all have this ugly Dark Mark tattoo thing. You don't have one, we figured you needed something for us to know you by."  
  
"You live with me everyday!" Voldemort exclaimed. "I look like a snake for Merlin's sake!"  
  
"You never know when one of us may suffer instant amnesia and forget who you are! That would be very helpful in helping us to know." Becky explained.  
  
"And I don't know what you're carrying on about," Kimi said. "Glasses are more socially acceptable than this Dark Mark thing."  
  
"Yeah," Sabrina agreed. "Everyone gets all twitchy and nervous when they see these things."  
  
"Oh leave me in peace!" Voldemort cried out, and ran into the bathroom to try and remove the glasses. 


	3. Boredom and Pinches

Disclamer: Nope, still don't own anything except Kimi. ALTHOUGH.now I have my OWN scars.mwahahahahaha! No more scar envy for me! Y'ERD!  
  
Voldemort emerged from his bathroom with a very red, peeling, face. No matter how hard he tried, he could not remove the magic marker glasses. They were like tattoos. "Memo to me," he thought. "Maim those girls after lunch."  
  
"Had a little trouble, sir" smirked Kimi as Voldemort walked back into the kitchen.  
  
"Shut up, or I'll hex you," he threatened.  
  
"Yeah, sure," Kimi said, handing the comics to Sabrina, and starting on the rest of the paper. "Like THAT will be effective."  
  
"What?" Voldemort exclaimed. "You doubt my power?"  
  
"No," she said, skimming. "Its just that everytime you try to do something, it always backfires."  
  
"I'll teach you to doubt me!" he cried, whipping out his wand. He began to chant a very powerful spell, that if performed would have destroyed Kimi and everything in a 5 mile radius of her. All the while, Kimi did not look up from her paper.  
  
Just as he was about to send the attack towards her, Becky exclaimed, "AWWWWWWWWWW, lookit! Voldie's got a twiggle!" and began to pinch his cheeks rather hardly.  
  
"ARRRRRRG!" He cried. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??"  
  
"Well, you looked so darn cute, trying to show off your powers to Kimi," Becky said.  
  
"Ooh," Sabrina teased. "I think he's got a crush on you, Kimi."  
  
"Who can blame him?" Kimi replied, being very much a narcissist.  
  
"You girls make me sick," Voldemort said, slumping back down in his chair, with a headache, when suddenly, he felt a pinch.  
  
He looked up and around, but the girls were occupied with other things. He resumed brooding, when he felt another pinch, and another one. The third one was so hard that he actually squealed.  
  
"STOP IT!" he demanded. He turned to see Becky, crouched behind his chair pinching him and giggling.  
  
"Alright," she said reluctantly.  
  
"Why do you do such stupid things?" he asked.  
  
"She's bored," Sabrina said. "We're all bored. We haven't had a plotting session in months."  
  
"Ever since Kimi's fiasco with the tomatoe sauce in the LAST plan, I've decided you can't help me plot anymore," he replied.  
  
"Oh come on!" Kimi cried in her defense. "Anyone could have done that!"  
  
Voldemort only rolled his eyes.  
  
"I promise we'll be good if you let us help you plot," Sabrina said, for all of them.  
  
"Yeah," Becky replied. "We won't do anything bad!"  
  
"And I guess," Kimi said with a sigh, "I won't get anymore condiments involved."  
  
Voldemort thought this over. They did have some rather creative ideas that worked for the most part when they were in Hogwarts, and they DID promise to be good. One side of him thought he was a moron, for considering their help, but the other side (which was a little bit braver) won.  
  
"Alright," he said. "But do anything to get on my nerves and you can NEVER plot with me again!"  
  
"YES SIR!" they cried in unison, and they all followed Voldemort, skipping to his plotting room.  
  
AN: yes, I know, this chapter sucked, but the next one should be funny, as it is the plotting session.hehehe 


End file.
